My fellow Americans …

In honour of the foreign policy debate tonight, we’ve put together a list of things that we’d like to hear, but would never expect to. Your comments, queries, criticisms, and speeches are welcome in the comments below.

1. The single most important action the US could take to increase its security is to introduce a 100% tax on all petroleum products over the next 10 years, in increments of 10% each year.

2. It is not in the national interest (however defined) to embargo trade with Cuba. Not that it’s any of our business, but the fastest way to effect regime change in that country is almost certainly to resume normal trade and diplomatic relations with it.

3. The use of drone attacks (or for that matter, manned fighter or cruise missile strikes) on foreign soil without a UNSC resolution is a violation of US commitments under international law. By flouting international law (which we basically wrote in the first place), we weaken the predictability of the international environment, and consequently reduce our own security.

4. If Israel is close enough to Europe to take part in Eurovision, then shouldn’t the EU be responsible for underwriting its security? Only seems fair.

5. The ICC was a really good idea. Sorry we jerked everyone around so much about that.

6. Climate change is a big deal, a threat to our nation’s long term prosperity, and we’re going to start treating it as such.

1. Yea Drones!

2. America is NOT exceptional.

3. We will end the “war on drugs” thus making Mexico a safer place to live.

1. Energy independence cannot be achieved without a large investment in, and reliance on, nuclear power. The fact that energy policy was debated last week for fifteen minutes without once mentioning the word ‘nuclear’ was an oversight that both candidates sincerely regret.

2. If you are an American citizen living abroad, you will not be assassinated by a Predator Drone strike or Seal Team 6 without full due process.

3. Osama bin Laden’s corpse has an extra hole in its head, and is rotting on the bottom of the Ocean floor. Please stop looking for it; it’s offensive to so many people.

4. Embracing the burgeoning humanitarian doctrine of Responsibility to Protect won’t make the US deploy its military much more often; but when it does, Russia and China won’t be able to bitch about it as much.

Matt the Knife
1. China is a currency manipulator. Japan is a currency manipulator. Britain is a currency manipulator. America is a currency manipulator. China is the best at it (see ‘jobs, manufacturing’).

2. Doha? More like dontha! Cotton and corn subsidies keep America safe from foreign cotton and ethanol, and the American people refuse to wear cotton t-shirts sourced from Asia.

3. Huawei is a PLA spy, and we won’t do business with it anymore, except when we make phone calls from phones whose components are 40 percent sourced from Huawei’s supply chain. (i.e. all government phones in all OECD countries). I guess RIM’s the alternative?

4. It’s news to us that the EU is the reason for peace in Europe. We really wish we hadn’t spent 26 trillion on NATO commitments over the last half century. And we’re sorry to all the German fraus who’ve had to deal unnecessarily with our flyboys’ incessant pick up lines and sexual harassment over that time. We thought it a necessary evil, but apparently not.

photo credit: drinksmachine via photopin cc


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s